How to Rewire Your Attachment Style
Ten Effective ways to Support Growth and Change

​When discussing ways to reparent ourselves to move into Secure Attachment, what is important is to be able to acknowledge when you are feeling triggered and have compassion for where this trigger was first formed. Knowing yourself, building self-esteem, and finding self-compassion are steps in the right direction to achieving a Secure Attachment style but it is a process. Have compassion for your journey of rewiring and learning, just as you would a small child. Here are some key steps in moving toward the direction of having a secure attachment pattern in your life.

1. What do you love doing? Do it more!
Living passionately involves having things in our life that we love doing. What are things that you are already good at and give you a sense of pride, joy and passion? Do more of these, making time each week to dive deeper into your own pursuits that give you a sense of being in the flow. Keep developing these things you are already good at and the things you love, and notice the sense of accomplishment you get from these.
If you are unsure of what you are good at or what brings you this sense of joy where time melts away and you can be completely immersed, write out a list of the things you love doing and spend time each week or even each day if you have the time. Know that you are giving yourself a gift by taking the time to dive into your passions in a concentrated way. It can take patience to stumble upon the things you love. We don't always know our passions until we find ourselves doing them and realize we're totally in our element.

2. Push yourself out of your comfort zone
Write out a list of areas in your life that may bring a sense of discomfort, nothing dangerous but things in life you may avoid. Looking at your list, pick one or two and consciously decide to push yourself in a way that feel safe but engages you in these areas. Building self-esteem takes courage and patience. You'll feel proud of your courage when you push yourself and see that you are stronger and braver than you may have known.

3. Strengthen your body physically
Looking after yourself physically by attending to your wellness and self-care nurtures emotional strength and stability more than you might realize. You can start out small but be sure to do something physically strengthening every day.

4. Create a deeper sense of Self Compassion
Become aware of the way you talk to yourself. Often times, our self-talk, or ways we speak to ourselves in our head, can be harsh and critical. It's essential to become aware of this and to start infusing some new ideas. If you're hard on yourself, ask yourself whether you'd speak to someone else that way. Would it help a child's self-esteem and emotional growth if you spoke to them the way you speak to yourself? If not, think about giving yourself the same level of kindness and compassion you'd give another because feeling ashamed and criticized, for whatever reason, is not helpful.

5. Insight, understanding, and awareness generate acceptance and fuel your journey into emotional freedom
Insight means realizing why things worked out as they did, why you are how you are, why they were how they were. It's not about making excuses for anyone. It's about assessing the depths and locations of the scars in your inner landscape so you don't keep falling into those same patterns for the rest of your life.
When you find yourself pushing someone away, ask why. If you feel worried that your partner is going to leave you, again, ask yourself where this is coming from. Have they shown you any reason to believe this? Many times, there is no real evidence. In that case, allow yourself to calm down and try not to obsess over it.

6. Focus On Healing
Childhood situations and experiences that promote insecure attachments also tend to create shame and self-esteem issues. Living with shame can result in self-neglect (focusing on everyone else's needs while ignoring your own), self-criticism, self-sabotage, and even self-destructive behaviors. Beginning to heal from these symptoms will help you lay the foundation to form secure attachments.
These feelings and behaviors are often connected to a deeply rooted, self-imposed belief that an individual does not deserve happiness or healthy relationships. While healthy guilt can help an individual make better choices, the shame and self-loathing that often accompany an insecure attachment style can make a person feel perpetually stuck in insecurity.

7. Build Self-Esteem
Self-forgiveness provides a fresh start. Once you're no longer bogged down by the pain of the past, you can work on building yourself up. You might have years of experience with negative self-talk, shame, and criticism, so it's time to turn things around.

8. Communicate your needs
In loving relationships, partners have a desire to make one another happy. Allow yourself to express what your needs are to your partner, knowing that this will not push them away but help them to know you better. Be clear that your needs are yours; try not to focus on what your partner is NOT doing but rather what you would like them to do differently in the relationship to help you feel more supported, connected and loved. Communication is key.

9. Learn how to handle conflict effectively
The conclusion of a fight is NOT usually the end of the relationship. It may feel vulnerable to open up but having clear communication in what is bothering us may help to bring people closer together. If you can speak openly about your fears, you will give them less power over you. 
Do Not Avoid Conflict or assume you are inconveniencing or burdening another by bringing up your concerns. If your partner has been caring and responsive to your needs in the past, trust this pattern and allow dialogue between you two about what is on your mind. Don’t assume your partner knows what is on your mind and don’t assume you know what is on their mind- always ask.
Like those with an anxious attachment style, avoidants can also have great difficulty at facing conflict- for a very different reason though! Conflict, when done right, increases closeness and intimacy. This is usually what the avoidantly attached person is trying to avoid, knowingly or unknowingly. It’s important to recognize WHY you distancing yourself during a conflict (i.e. shutting down, giving up etc.). Fighting the instinct to avoid conflict is difficult.

10. Shift Away from Self-Reliance Towards Mutual Support
Often times, people become so used to depending entirely on one's self, that the idea of letting that go is very distressing. Or the feeling that no one has ever been there or that people have left us in the past can become the lens we look through all the time; with the expectation that relying on another will only bring up those painful experiences again. Our past does not need to be our future.
This also makes it difficult to allow anyone to truly depend on YOU to meet their needs- you may be afraid that you will also be expected to let your walls down and reciprocate this level of trust, and that may not come naturally to you.
Having your identity and independence outside of a romantic relationship is very important. However, perceiving a relationship as a threat to your self-reliance can greatly get in the way of your ability to be in a fulfilling relationship.
Mutual support is important between partners. Try and see it this way: if you allow someone to depend on you and meet their needs reliably, they will ultimately be less ‘needy’. You will also feel better about sharing your load in life with them because there is no longer pressure to reciprocate.
 
 
If you are in crisis or need someone to talk to immediately, please go to the worldwide crisis line: www.befrienders.org ​Or if you are in Canada visit: www.crisisservicescanada.ca or call : 1-833-456-4566 or text 45645. Private individual art therapy and counselling sessions are also available by contacting me at centreoftheheart@gmail.com

The Default mode network (DMN) is a set of interacting brain structures first described in 2001 by the Washington University neuroscientist Marcus Raichle. It’s called that because it is most active when the brain is in a resting state. This network links parts of the cerebral cortex (thinking, decision making, higher brain functions) with deeper and evolutionarily older structures of the brain involved in emotion and memory.

It is said to influence and often inhibit, other parts of the brain, especially those involving emotion and memory, preventing signals from being interrupted or interfering with each other. Neuroimaging studies suggest that the DMN is involved in higher-order “metacognitive” activities such as self-reflection, mental projection, time travel, and the ability to attribute mental states to others (Sheline et al. 2009).

What is especially interesting is the connection between the DMN and the Ego. The DMN is believed to be the home of the part of our brain responsible for judgment, tolerance, reality testing, and a sense of self, what Freud called the “ego”. Author, Journalist and experiential researcher Michael Pollan, in his book How to Change Your Mind  (2018), referred to this area of the brain as the “me” network.  When a subject is given a list of adjectives to consider relative to their self-identity, this area lights up. It also lights up during daydreams, magical thinking, self-reflection, and when we receive Facebook likes (Pollan , 2018). Subsequently, when there is no task at hand, the Default Mode Network is activated “by default”.

Freud said that the ego keeps anarchic forces of the id in check, and Pollan compares this to the DMN maintaining strict connections on brain function developed over the course of our adult lives. “It appears that when activity in the DMN falls off precipitously, the ego temporarily vanishes, and the usual boundaries we experience between self and world, subject and object, all melt away,” Pollan said.

Noticing when we are coming from a place of ego instead of a place of mindful awareness can drastically change our interactions with the world. It is sometimes referred to in Kundalini yoga and other schools of thought as ‘getting out of your own way’ to allow your destiny or Dharmic path to unfold. So eloquently put by British philosopher who popularized Eastern philosophy in the west, Alan Watts, “Ego, the self which he has believed himself to be, is nothing but a pattern of habits” (1966). Mindfulness, Kundalini Yoga and Art Therapy are ways for us to create new habits and awareness’s that involve the world around us instead of only ourselves.
 
WHY MINDFULNESS IS SO IMPORTANT?
~Mindfulness definition~
“Paying attention to the present moment, on purpose, nonjudgmentally”
John Kabatt-Zinn

What current research is finding is that the internal chatter that leads our thoughts astray when we try to silence the interminable flow of opinions and thoughts in our head when meditating and what Buddhists often refer to as monkey mind, is actually the DMN! It’s the DMN flaring up when the brain has nothing better to do. Through mindfulness and meditation we are able to silence this monkey mind chatter and thus turning the DMN offline to bring a greater sense of calm and peacefulness. Being in a state of Mindfulness also keeps the frontal lobes on line and helps integrate experiences and feelings rather that dissociate from them (Ogden, 2019).

When we are using Kundalini Yoga and Art Therapy with mindfulness we are working to reroute our neural networks to change patterns, habits and behaviours in the brain. During this experience, if our DMN kicks in, it inhibits this change from taking place. As expressed by neuroscientist and best selling author Dan Siegel, “Your mind can change your molecules”. This is why staying present and recognizing when we go “off line” is so important. Learning anything new is a process so be gentle with yourself and come back into the present moment with ease, knowing that the more often you do this, the more engrained these new neural networks become. 

When we are stressed out the prefrontal cortex goes off line and our judgments become impaired. “Mindfulness keeps the frontal lobes on line and helps integrate rather that dissociate”. (Ogden, 2019). Tapping into the body and noticing your physical sensations and how they come and go are great ways of doing this is. Our physical sensations are not permanent and we notice this when we become mindful.  We become aware that our current state of being can change. This can bring us hope when the stresses of life feel awful and overwhelming.

Dissociation, which is the DMN engaged, is also a defense mechanism that can and often has served us in our past. However, many ways we have learnt to cope in life have served our past but are no longer required as we develop and grow through conscious awareness in the here and now. Personal growth has a lot to do with creating new habits and neural pathways in the brain instead on relying on old ways of being that do not serve our highest consciousness.

What is especially interesting in the study of the Default Mode Network is the correlation between depression and anxiety. Studies have shown that people who experience depression and anxiety have these areas of the brain (DMN) more active (Marwood & Wise, 2017).  “The baseline imaging findings are consistent with those found in patients with major depressive disorder and suggest that increased connectivity within the DMN may be important in the pathophysiology of both acute and chronic manifestations of depressive illness” (Posner et al. 2013). One can imagine that ruminating over a specific issue that does not hold our body and mind’s highest good, will lead to a downward depressing spiral. Mindfulness and coming into the present moment can actually help stop the rumination of upsetting circumstances and life events. Mindfulness literally makes us happier! What a wonderful tool to keep close.

I wish you grace in your journey to mindful awareness and keeping your Default Mode Network from clouding your ability to stay present and happy.

Please join me May 11th, 2019 from 1-5 at The Sanctuary Space www.thesanctuaryspace.net where we will explore this subject through Kundalini Yoga and Art Therapy Techniques.
 Charmaine Husum (Livdeep Kaur)
http://www.centreoftheheart.com
 
References

Fisher, J., Ogden, P. (2015). Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions For Trauma And Attachment. W.W Norton & Company: New York, London

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2005). Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life.  Hachette books: New York
Marwood, L., Wise, T. (2017). Instability of default mode network connectivity in major depression: a two-sample confirmation study. Retrieved on May 2, 2019 https://www.nature.com/articles/tp201740

Ogden, P. (2019). Treating Trauma Master Series. Retrieved on April 24, 2019 from https://www.nicabm.com/program/treating-trauma-master-4/?del=homepagepopular

Perkins AM, Arnone D, Smallwood J, Mobbs D. (2015). Thinking too much: self-generated thought as the engine of neuroticism. Trends Cogn Sci 2015; 19: 492–498.

Pollan, M. | (2018), How to Change Your Mind. Penguin Press: New York.

Posner J, Hellerstein DJ, Gat I, Mechling A, Klahr K, Wang, Z, McGrath PJ, Stewart JW, Peterson BS. Antidepressants normalize the default mode network in patients with dysthymia [published online February 6, 2013]. JAMA Psychiatry. doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2013.455.

Watts, A. (1966). The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are. Random House Inc: New York

Yvette I. Shelinea, Deanna M. Barcha, Joseph L. Pricee, Melissa M. Rundleb, S. Neil Vaishnavib,Abraham Z. Snyder, Mark A. Mintuna, Suzhi Wanga, Rebecca S. Coalsonb, and Marcus E. Raichle (2019). The default mode network and self-referential processes in depression. Retrieved on May 3, 2019 from https://www.pnas.org/content/pnas/106/6/1942.full.pdf, PNASFebruary 10, 2009vol. 106no. 61947
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Both Art Therapy and Kundalini Yoga share the powerful healing effect of integrating
the left and right hemispheres of the brain. Typically the left side of the brain rules the
orderly, statistical, mathematical, logical, practical, rational way of thinking, seeing
things in straight lines. The right side of the brain represents passion, experience of taste
and feelings, creativity, free spirit, imagination, yearning, sensuality, movement, vivid
colours and the senses.

Without activities that stimulate integration within each side of the brain, it is difficult for
one side to make sense of how the other sees things. You cannot put feelings and
expressions into boxes as the left hemisphere would require, they will become restricted;
they must be felt to truly be experienced. Subsequently, the right brain also has difficulty
making sense of how the left-brain sees things. As a society, we tend to be mostly leftbrain
dominant and this causes an imbalance that can create a great disruption in the
natural flow of everyday living. This is why it is so important to create integration and
balance within both sides of the brain.

Observing and especially drawing or creating art allows for this integration in the most
therapeutic way. As does meditation, mindfulness and the many yogic postures within
Kundalini Yoga. Kundalini Yoga is a prime example of creating space for this
occurrence. Whenever we do anything that requires logical and creative thought
simultaneously, we are integrating the hemispheres of the brain.

Another powerful way both Kundalini Yoga and Art Therapy work to change the brain is
by rerouting neurotransmitters. Neuropsychologist Donald Hebb first used the phrase,
“Neurons that fire together, wire together” in 1949 to describe how pathways in the
brain are formed and reinforced through repetition. What this means is we develop habits
and ways of being in the world (that may not always serve our highest purpose). Both Art
Therapy and Kundalini offer an opportunity to explore life in new ways using mindful
awareness of our emotions, messages from within the body and tactile sensory expression
through art making.

What is Art Therapy?
Art therapy is a mental health profession that uses the creative process of art making to
improve and enhance the physical, mental and emotional well being of individuals of all
ages. It is based on the belief that the creative process involved in artistic self expression
helps people to resolve conflicts and problems, develop interpersonal skills, manage
behavior, reduce stress, increase self esteem and self awareness, and achieve insight.
Art therapy uses the creation of art as a primary mode of expression and communication
(American Art Therapy Association, 2013). It integrates psychotherapeutic techniques
with the creative process to improve mental health and wellbeing. Sometimes referred to
as creative arts therapy or expressive arts therapy, it encourages people to express and
understand emotions through artistic expression and the creative process.

By making art in a spontaneous way, one is able to bring unconscious feelings to
consciousness. Art Therapy can help a person give expression to their feelings and
hidden inner conflicts that they may not have words for. As one creates, they are able to
uncover aspects of self that may be locked in the body. When people are then able to
associate feelings verbally to the artwork created, the therapy speeds up recovery.
The idea of using art in psychotherapy has been around since the early days of Carl
Jung. This modality of healing has continued to grow and expand showing people how
the benefits of making art in a safe, secure setting can be. It is through the making of art
that feelings trapped inside the body can be moved and expanded on, bringing an
awareness to ourselves that was before uncovered.

What is Kundalini Yoga?
Kundalini Yoga is described as the Yoga of Awareness or Householders’ Yoga,
accessible to all. It is a powerful science that rewires neurotransmitters in the brain
working on not only the physical body but also the nervous, endocrine and glandular
systems.

A large focus within the practice, for instance, is the drishti or eye-gaze during
meditations and postures (asanas). When the eye gaze is focused behind closed lids
between the eyebrows (third eye), a pressure builds in this region activating the pituitary
and pineal master glands. This works to regulate the whole body and increases serotonin
and other neurotransmitter levels to bring a calming, happy, peace to the mind. Through
regulating hormones and the glandular system, Kundalini yoga strengthens, heals and
changes the brain, body and the way we respond to stresses in our lives.

Another fascinating component of Kundalini yoga is its ability to remove emotional
blocks within the body. As life goes on, traumatic and stressful moments we experience
become lodged within our bodies. Without opportunities for safe and healthy release,
these memories and ways we develop to cope in the world slowly become a part of our
personality. Although we may have needed these coping mechanisms at one or more
times in our life, often they become a source of pain, as they no longer serve the purpose
they once did. For instance, maybe you were bullied as a child and now find yourself on
guard and ready to attack when provoked, when in reality the threat is no longer with
you. Perhaps as a child you were scolded or even physical reprimanded by your parents
for being “too loud” or “acting out” and this has created a deep-seated fear within you to
speak up for your self in the world. Maybe this stifling of your voice and spirit has even
created a thyroid condition or goiter? These emotions in the body are real and will
eventually manifest into physical ailments. By bringing mindful awareness to the body
and facilitating release through postures, mantra and meditation, we are invited to let go
of these parts that no longer serve us and hold us back from living life to our fullest
potential. In this way, Kundalini Yoga can bring about strong releases of emotion that
help to clear the subtle bodies that sustain and support our soul’s path.

In Conclusion
By combining Art Therapy approaches and Kundalini Yoga, I invite you to experience
the profound healing that both modalities offer. No artistic expertise is needed and there
is never any pressure to fold like a pretzel or push yourself beyond what is safe for your
own body. Honouring and listening to your body and allowing space for feelings and
messages to arise is all that is required for you to step into a new way of being in the
world. I look forward to crossing paths with you soon.

May all beings be Blessed,

Livdeep Kaur (Charmaine Husum)
​
http://www.centreoftheheart.com